Saturday, 29 June 2013

Observing Christians

Warning - Partially Flippant

Christians are, generally unintentionally, funny - a fact often found true not in obvious cases of stupidity or in wince-some biblical puns, but rather in simple observation of the redeemed masses. The simple, everyday quirks of the average Christian are more colourful and undeniably funny than a preacher doing a one-man reenactment of Jesus Christ Superstar. On rollerskates.

With this in mind, I present to you some of the more bizarre tendencies of, as well as a few tips for, the average Christian (most points are things the writer has caught himself doing, and all can be read faster than your child usually says Grace).

(1) If the original Greek or Hebrew is made reference to in a sermon, it means (a) the point of the passage is made more clear by explaining a specific word (b) the preacher is pandering for time.

(2) Inter-faith dialogue always seems like a good idea until it turns out that the other person knows more than you.

(3) Children's talks are rarely only beneficial for children.

(4) Psalms should only be sung by those who have a tune in mind before they begin to sing.

(5) Many Christians harbour the suspicion their life would be a lot easier if Jesus had actually said 'love your enemies, apart from that one guy. Man, he's such a jerk.'

(6) It's often possible to identify the worship song coming next from the prayer beforehand ('And help us remember, Lord, that our God is an awesome God. That's you. You're an awesome God. Amen.)

(7) Friendships between denominations usually operate around the unspoken premise You're family in Christ so I'm willing to overlook the fact that you're very, very wrong.

(8) It is widely known a Spurgeon quote a day keeps those heretics at bay.

(9) Not everything should be attributed to spiritual warfare. There are probably no angels and demons playing tug-of-war with your lost scarf.

(10) 'Is Justin Bieber really a Christian?' Should not be one's most pressing theological question.

(11) 'Bible-based fun' often amounts to 'Hour-long lecture'.

(12) Ten years later, many Christians are still struggling to let go of Bruce Almighty as a source of conversation in youth groups.

(13) Tea and biscuits are the staple diet of every church member.

(14) Everyone secretly enjoys the tense standoffs that arise when two people begin to pray simultaneously.

(15) Occasionally, Baptists dance.

(16) Many pious deem 'How can I pray for you?' as a substitute for 'What's the gossip?'

(17) Struggling to bring in the youth to your event? Bring snacks.

(18) The affirming hum Christians make in response the prayers of others is actually a well-honed, delicate art, said by some to be passed down by the apostle Paul himself.

(19) Make sure you know your audience well enough before shouting a triumphant 'can I get an amen?' 

(20) When a typo appears in the hymn lyrics, all those singing undergo a fierce inner debate whether they should sing the error or the actual word. 

(21) Bible-based cartoons and films are always entertaining for nearly always the wrong reasons.

(22) The sentence 'Oh, you're a Christian are you?' doesn't necessarily imply 'please, let me help you evangelise to this oncoming Land Rover'.

(23) If someone opens a conversation by addressing you as Brother/Sister expect an intensive  loving rebuke to be inbound.

(24) One mistruth is continually told in churches across the world: 'no-one's watching you worship anyway.'

(25) In a sermon, the use of the phrase 'one last point' is usually code for 'I hope you brought a packed lunch to this gig'.

(26) When the preacher says 

'if you feel like the Spirit is speaking to you personally through tonight's message, raise your hand',

you will often find yourself fighting the urge to scratch your right ear.

(27) It's disrespectful to watch the congregation member getting frustrated that their final drop of communion has, once again, evaded their tongue and has decided to remain camped out in the glass.

(28) It's disrespectful to watch them, but they're always there.

(29) "It is known that name-dropping and quoting Church Fathers will boost your sanctification levels to somewhere around Augustine's" - Tertullian 

(30) When an awful worship lead says "And we'll get to spend an eternity in heaven like this!" it's within the bounds of orthodoxy to wonder if he hasn't got heaven mixed up with that other place.

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